It’s been long enough and enough people have asked how I’m doing that it’s time to let you all know, I’m pregnant. KIDDING. The big, bigger, news is that my very last chemo is this Friday. That’s it. Six down, no more to go! I’m more than halfway through radiation as well. In fact, if it weren’t for my empty bank account and the rash over my left breast, you’d never know what I’ve been through. I have my hair and aside from having to drive to SLC daily for radiation, life is same ol’ same ol’. Just this month, I’ve finished pieces for MSN.com, SkiResorts.com, Draft Magazine and my usual OnTheSnow resports, I’ve skied opening days at Snowbird, Alta (x2), Park City and Solitude, potty trained Sage (or maybe she just lets us think it was all me), painted my hallways and finally found a renter for one of my spots.
The end date for everything is Dec. 19. Talk about celebrating the New Year. You bet this is going to be one of the best holidays of my life. Hannukah’s coming early to my house. 🙂
Some would point out that I was lucky but, to me, ‘lucky’ is not having canser at all (mispelled on purpose, that little fucker doesn’t deserve to be spelled correctly). Having the ‘the best’ kind of canser? That’s a consolation prize. Lucky that it wasn’t worse, sure; but I seriously doubt that anyone would want to be me unless they also have canser.
Can I say that I “had canser” in 2010 instead of “have canser”? I wonder. I’m afraid to try it; like I’ll jinx things and it’ll come back. The docs assure me that I was ‘canser free’ after the lumpectomy in July and all of this poisoning is just a precaution. But I can’t believe them. Once you get a canser diagnosis, your world changes forever. I didn’t just get a tonsilectomy. I had someone dig through my chest then poisoned my cells every three weeks for nearly five months. Plus, I’ve always walked around with the philosophy of expecting the worst so you can never be disappointed. I thought that way all through college. When I got A’s I was pleasantly surprised, psyched even; never disappointed. This does not mean that I am pessimistic. Not even close. I just choose not to get my hopes up until I have Tweetie in my hand.
So on my five-year canserversary, then I will breathe easy- and buy myself a brand new pair of boobs.
Now, if only it would start to snow, I could focus on something MUCH more important.
So how is everyone else doing?

BTW: I’m not pregnant and have no intention of sharing my love with any others outside of a pup, a boy and my Sage.

I’ll make this one a shorty seeing as how it’s five minutes to 2 a.m. and I have to get up at 7 a.m. to do this breast cancer strides walk. Hope talked me into it. I’m not one for getting up this early unless there are killer yard sales or there’re two feet of fresh snow at the resorts. The mountains in Utah aren’t open yet (that’ll come in Nov.) and it’s too cold for garage sales. I think it was guilt that motivates me. After Hope’s piece on Fox13 (see link in my FB posts), I received a few emails calling me an ‘inspiration’. Huh? I’m just doing what I’m told and trying to ignore the fact that I have a life-threatening disease.
I finished round three of chemo a week ago and am just fine thank you! Halfway through treatment now. Was a tad queasy last Saturday but that had more to do with lack of sleep and then doing nothing but sit around the house all day. By Monday, I was climbing and jumping on my Stair Master. The past two days have been spent researching the possiblity of doing radiation concurrent with chemo instead of waiting until chemo was done before starting 6 weeks of radiation (which, btw, would mean really f*^king up Christmas and January).
I figured since I was handling chemo so well, I could take the extra punch. None of the doctors in Utah seem to be up on this little time saver so I’ve had to Google like mad and contact cancer hospitals outside of the state. And here I thought the Huntsman Center was state of the art! After my research it seems that not only is CMF/radiation together viable but it may increase the longterm survival rate by 10 %. Plus, it keeps me from dragging my treatment into the next health insurance calendar year. Any sane person wouldn’t think twice. The side effects? They tell me my boob might not look as nice. Anyone out there can attest or deny this claim?
The stuff I’ve read so far says there’s no difference in looks at the 3 year point. You might be wondering how the twins are holding up at this point. Still small and perky. You can barely tell I had surgery. The scar blends in and there’s no divet from the chunk of tumor they removed. Thank you, Dr. Neumeyer! Ryan can even squeeze them now and there’s no pain or difference in touch between left and right. If it weren’t for my head I could be ‘normal’ again. My head though constantly takes me on walks where I wonder if there will ever be a time in the future that I can say to someone, “I had cancer” instead of “I have cancer”.
It’s a strange thing to feel like this disease will stick with you longer than family. Speaking of which. My sister’s birthday is this week. I sent her a blanket. 🙂

My public voice strikes again. My sister this time. We’ve been ‘defriended’ on FB and I say “Good Riddance!’ She’s such a phony and a hypocrite. That makes my victim tally up to three. My brother, my ex-best friend Kristen and now Julie. Tee Hee. Perhaps I’m in denial of this loss or perhaps I feel good about cleaning house. Ding Dong, the witches are dead.

Everyone complains that airing your laundry in a public forum is inappropriate and wrong. It should be handled in a personal and private forum. But where do you go when the relationship is fucked anyway, there’s no ‘repairing’ and you simply need to vent? You want the world to hear your side, and (maybe) side with you? I love being able to blog. Sure, some things stay private in my journal but others find a happy little home in my blog or on FB because just maybe someone out there can relate.

Julie was a super bitch last night and she shut down any hope of reasonable communication. For two nights in a row, not only did she open a door in my parents’ house, setting off an alarm warning and effectively waking my three year old at 6 a.m., but she refused to turn on the AC to prevent this from happening on yet another night. She slept on the couch in the living room, Sage and I were in the spare room.  There would be no need to open the door, if we used the AC. No need for me to try to get cool air into our room via a window that offered no breeze, tons of traffic sounds from I-5 and stickiness from the heat and humidity here in San Diego. She wouldn’t listen. She blocked the AC controller like a 13 year old little bitch trying to boss things the way she always did. I was on my last nerve with only 5 hours of sleep at night to de-stress because of her selfishness. She had the luxury of falling back asleep. I had the task of dealing with a toddler that would rather jump on me and the bed than close her eyes again.

We yelled at each other for a bit; she said using a blanket was unhealthy (yes, she is insanely stupid when she wants things her way) and that had my parents wanted the AC on at night they would have set it to go on. Of course, what were her excuses when the exact thing happened in Palm Springs two years ago when it was 100 degrees at night, the parents were no where in sight and she still refused to turn on the AC and use a blanket? Ryan and I sweated like pigs and prayed she’d leave early. She did and we could rest in comfort.

I called Ryan today and told him what happened. He sided with me and said he couldn’t understand why she has a problem with blankets. That it is much easier to stay warm than cool-off in the middle of the night. Maybe I should have just vented to him instead of the world but I was furious. She pushed all of those childhood buttons where she was the dictator and torturer of all siblings in the home. My clothes couldn’t be in the closet, my bath supplies couldn’t cross a line in the bathroom, I couldn’t use the phone if she wanted it quiet. Absolutely EVERYTHING had to be her way or there was screeching and hell to pay when I whacked her and she tattled to my parents. That’s it. All I could do was hit her because she was incapable of rationale thought and perspective. The blow ALWAYS felt delicious. Of course, then I’d be punished but it was always worth hitting her again when the sitch resurfaced. So Facebook was my way of hitting her. :). I really did feel like slapping the shit out of her last night but I’m an adult and a mother. Instead, I posted a note on her wall calling her a bitch that couldn’t use a F*^king blanket and would rather make others suffer. I knew it would piss her off and also that she could delete it. If I could have texted her instead of Fbng I would have. I was looking for the fastest jab not the most public. She doesn’t text.

This morning were things ever so quiet. Mission accomplished. She was so mad she wasn’t speaking to anyone. Not even my parents. Sage slept till 9 a.m.! When I entered, we didn’t say a word. I can’t remember who finally spoke but when it did it was about how FB was an inappropriate forum. I told her I was sorry but I was angry. There was no communicating with her. I actually thought she was on her ‘puter when I posted but apparently she didn’t see it until this morning and was horrified that her friends and business contacts might see it. Ahhh, poor, baby. She didn’t accept my apology and announced she would not be my ‘friend’. She didn’t own one single thing about last night. No apology on her end. Same old immature bullshit. For someone that claims to be enlightened by Buddha, she is one hell of a hypocrite.

Parents are now on my case about my use of my blog and FB.

So here’s my solution. I’m moving my blog to this new location where no family can read and judge my thoughts for all eternity. If friends don’t like something I said, they can either talk to me or not but at least I won’t have the constant judging and cursing that family seems justified in dishing- even long after a post is published.