I’m getting on a plane tomorrow. I’m terrified. The Covid-19 pandemic isn’t even close to being over but, you see,  three months ago we thought the ‘moment’ would pass. We jumped on a deal to fly to Boston for less than $200 and a no questions asked cancellation policy. We figured since we always visit Ryan’s family in the summer, this craziness would be over by July and we could get back to business as usual. If not, we could cancel. I never considered Covid-19 Travelers’ Remorse.

Well, it’s not back to normal and we didn’t cancel. Ah, the price of one’s life; or the fragile human ego believing it won’t be enslaved by a virus. Summer is travel time; contagions be damned. But, please, don’t use us an the example. Traveling right now is the stupidest thing you could do.

Stay-at-home orders are once again spreading as fast as the disease, with states/cities implementing two-week, self quarantines for travelers. I don’t know about you but I’m not interested in a three-week vacation where most of it is spent in lock down like the one in Hawaii. Currently, Massachusetts and Utah have no restrictions but with the sharp rise in cases in the beehive state it wouldn’t surprise me to come home to a quarantine. 

Will you get on a plane or even roadtrip this summer? And once you get to your destination, can a hotel really be any safer than that plane? According to an article on POPSUGAR, “This risk comes from interacting with fomites — objects or surfaces that are likely to carry infection — or interacting with infected people. The risk in a hotel environment could come from interacting with hotel employees, such as front desk staff or housekeeping staff, or with other hotel guests.” There’s the public you pass on the stairs, the elevator, the restrooms, business centers, gyms, pool and dining areas. Free breakfast? Fogedaboutit. Then there are the little danger zones you might miss – that doorknob, tv remote, alarm clock button, pens you used to sign in with, the railing, the elevator button.

But Marriott says they’re COVID safe!? Those “enhanced cleaning regimens” the big chains speak of are a smokescreen to lure you back into their beds.  Check the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Only essential travel is advised.  You’re risking infection and/or spreading the virus on your return. Like a spy in a Netflix show, you’re never safe- airports, gas stations, rental car counters, and cafes. Boy, does this scenario suck for the warriors like me.

Have I succeeded in scaring anyone? If you all stay home then I can travel safely!

Wearing masks and social distancing is like wearing an expired condom- it may work; it may not. At least there’s no hotel for me. But I’m still bringing wipes, hand sanitizer and my mask, staying six feet away from the kid brother who has been out regularly partying with friends at the beach and you all can go ahead and go to that restaurant without me. I’m a cancer survivor with a normally shitty immune system. Not that I’m constantly sick but, yeah, cancer.

So, here I am about to board my Delta flight. Unlike the shitshow happening over on American and United, my middle seat will be empty and everyone will be wearing masks. This may be my first and last flight of the year. Just saying. 

Here’s some interesting advice from that POPSUGAR post, if you are planning a hotel stay, “ask for a room that no one, not guests nor housekeeping staff, have entered in the past three days” so “viral copies are deactivated before you arrive”. HA! Good luck with that request.

Why is it when you hit a certain age you’re expected to stop crashing on people’s floors? I prefer friends’ houses to hotels. They are warmer, cozier, and more entertaining. I haven’t seen your enchanting face in ages except on Facebook. I know guest etiquette; don’t you want to see me in person?

Of course, it’s usually cheaper to stay with friends and I am a frugal sort but that’s not the point. If I’m not staying with you, you might not see me. That would be terrible. Maybe that’s what you’d prefer.  Wait, seriously? What kind of friend or sister are you??

In the summer, it’s relatively easy to make other arrangements when friends are unaccommodating. You can sleep in your car if you have to. But the gray, chill days of winter make it too damn cold for car camping and let’s be real here, winter camping is not all it’s cracked up to be. However, when the most expensive part of any road trip is that heated roof over your head you can’t blame a person for looking up old friends for a place to crash.

Ironically, “you’re welcome to stay here,” is one of those phrases thrown out by anyone and everyone much the same way a passerby utters, “How are you?” or “Guzentite.” Ninety percent of the time, they don’t really mean it.

I got called to Los Angeles last minute over a holiday weekend and my so-called friends and relatives scattered like roaches. There was not a vacant room or couch to be found. I had to suck it up and stay at a crappy motel…. for nearly $200 a night! Turns out, “You’re welcome to stay here,” really meant “we want to sound gracious but please don’t ever ask.”

WTF? Was I an awful guest? I felt like exhibited best guest etiquette  – cleaned up after myself, took my hosts to dinner, brought a welcome gift, stripped the bed- but maybe I was missing something.

I took to the street and asked the masses if they could offer any advice to their future guests what would it be? Some flat out said, “Stay at a hotel.” Real helpful, Guys. Still, their responses demonstrated that I need not take empty invites personally. Most “grown-ups” just don’t want you staying in their neat and well-ordered home. Since my home is far from well-ordered I guess I love having friends visit. 

More productively, here’s some guest etiquette compiled from gracious homeowners on how to be the best guest possible.

Ask For House Rules Up Front-

When your friend says (and means) that they would love to have you, not only thank them but ask for their expectations so there’s no weirdness once you arrive. This allows your host to lay down some boundaries of what you can do and when. They can make their expectations clear and you can choose if that works for you before you ever cross the threshold. Shoes off when you enter? Quiet after 9 p.m.? No surprise guests? No drinking? Is it ok to walk around in your pjs? Understand and honor those expectations.

Your Vacation Isn’t Theirs-

Many hosts hate the expectation that they have to drop everything and show you a good time. Guests assume since they’re on vacation their friends can take unlimited time off, so make sure you let your host know you’re psyched just to have a place to sleep and you can entertain yourself.

Be Tidy-

You’re not staying in a hotel where the maids enter every day to fold towels and vacuum. Put on a neatfreak hat during your stay even if you are the ultimate slob. Keep your “stuff” contained in its duffel, fold your own towels and make your bed. If you cook or use the dishes, clean them and put them away. Your goal is to make the place look like you aren’t there.  “A good guest will ask if you need anything or if they can help in any way,” said Park City, Utah, host Deb Dekoff. “We allow them to help out. It makes for a nice stay for everyone.”

In addition, help with cleaning up after meals, strip the beds when you leave and bring your own towel.

Meals-

Buy and eat your own food and while you’re at it cook or treat your hosts to at least one dinner if you can. Your friends aren’t expecting anything lavish. They know you’re staying with them to save money and dining out – especially in a resort town – could cost you as much as a hotel night. Buy the groceries, make dinner for all and do all the cleanup. That’s just as good if not better than a night on the town on you.

Figure Out Your Own Transportation-

Budget for a rental car or Uber if you’re not near public transportation. Ask for the best place to park if you have your own car and respect the answer. Do not park on the driveway means don’t park on the driveway.

Bring a Token of Appreciation-

Does your friend have a thing for whiskey? Coffee? Chocolate? Surprise them with a welcome gift or send them a thank you treat after your visit. “I had one guest get me an orchid-of-the-month for three months. I loved it as I don’t have plants,” said Tammy Manassa. “Repeat guests don’t buy me gifts but take us to dinners but I don’t expect it so it’s fine with me if they don’t buy anything. It’s not about this. It’s about sharing our home with people we care and want to be with.” Still, a little gift, maybe some “real beer” if you’re coming to Utah, goes a long way when trying to keep the door open for future visits.

Animals-

Leave yours at home unless the host begs to see your four-legged baby. But do treat the hosts’ pets like they are royalty. Offer to petsit or take them on walks. “Be kind to my animals and you’re always welcome back,” said one local. If you are allowed to have your dog, make sure you pick up poop, offer to clean carpets if there’s an accident (which you better hope doesn’t happen) and replace items that may get chewed.

Kids-

Your friends are not your babysitters. If you want a night out without those chillens, hire a sitter. Even better, if your friends have kids, you be the sitter and give them a night out.

Be Entertaining-

Visiting friends should be a lively time of bonding. Don’t hide in your room and avoid those moments whether they involve cocktails and boardgames or watching a movie.

Don’t Outstay Your Welcome

Let your hosts know exactly how many days you intend to stay. No matter how awkward it might be to ask for a place for a week, it’s even worse if you say, “I just need something for a couple of nights” and you’re still there on night three. Your hosts have things to do, places to be and possible other guests to host. They need to make plans and not worry the whole time about when you are leaving. Get out of their hair when you say you will. Don’t ask for extra days once you’re there. If they offer, great but most hosts don’t want to be rude so they will say ok if you ask. You just won’t be welcome again.

If you find yourself in my position where you think you are an amazing guest and your friends just don’t see it, there is an alternative. Couchsurfing.com is a network of vagabonds and boondockers who are looking to pay it forward. They spent years roaming the globe and crashing on couches and they want to repay the favors. It’s free and it beats AirBnB if you don’t mind living with strangers for a beat. Just remember to mind your Ps and Qs. If all goes well you will have new friends to host you the next time around. And if it doesn’t you will know why as the hosts are allowed to review their guests.

And most importantly….

Repay The Favor

If some generous homeowner has hosted you- once, twice, three times, whatever- don’t be surprised when the tables are turned and they decide to come for a visit themselves. Be ready with fresh sheets and open arms. A zillion excuses like “this is not a good time,” “the catsitter has the place that weekend”, “if only you had given me more notice” tagged with “you can find another place to stay, right?” will only get you crickets the next time you ask for bed space. 

Creative Thank You Gift Ideas

The best gifts are the thoughtful ones that show you “get” your hosts. A friend let me stay at her house while she was out of town but there wasn’t a single guest pillow in the place. I bought two and left them for her. Another time I noticed all of my friends’ coffee mugs were chipped and mismatched. I set them a nice set of four mugs when I got home.

Coffee-

If you’re a coffee drinker not only should you bring your own but bring an extra bag of your local java to gift. Here, there’s Park City Coffee Roaster but if you are anywhere near Hood River, Ore., or Jackson Hole, Wyo., you better bring a bag of Stoked Roasters or JH Coffee Roasters. Both delicious packs of perk.

Alcohol-

There are so many brands and labels that your hosts will get a kick out of. Help them discover your local favorite like High West Distillery’s Rendezvous Rye or Gramercy Cellars Syrah. Nothing says, “Thanks,” better than a bottle of wine or whiskey. Or a six-pack or two of craft brew like Durango’s Modus Hoperandi IPA. Just make sure your hosts imbibe.

Slippers-

One gift people love but seldom buy for themselves are house slippers. Acorn makes some of the best; you will earn accolades when presenting the fun, cozy, classic slouch boot. It’s the perfect winter gesture when you’re sitting around the fire toasting to good times. BTW, you don’t have to be right on the money with sizes but try to find out beforehand rather than guessing.