I need to win something. I always feel better when I win something. For some reason, all day today I’ve been grumpy; feeling like I’m a failure- ok, well that’s too harsh. Just feeling unsatisfied and like I’ve messed up big time. You know how you would feel if you got a C and were hiding it from your parents? Or you found out that the super cute guy who acted like he liked you really doesn’t even know your name? Sage is fine, my health is fine, I skied powder today and had great afternoon sex when I got back.
PMS! Trouble is, I haven’t had my period in months thanks to the chemo and Tamoxifen. My doc says it’ll come back but maybe not until I’m done with the drugs…IN FIVE YEARS. My body must be faking me out. Talk about lame. All of the symptoms without the relief. So I need to win something. It helps me feel fortunate, excited, alive. I’ve won all expense paid trips (the most memorable was a trip for two including airfare to Vail and the Teva Mountain Games. My trip to Boston for the Dating Game doesn’t count cause the guy was icky), gear (backpacks, sleeping bags, sweaters, shoes, skis), a kayak, a car rack system, lift tickets, hotel stays. I’ve even won writing awards. Ryan jokes that I’m the luckiest person he knows. Sigh. So why can’t I feel lucky? It’s got to be hormones because – aside from completely missing my massage appointment today- I haven’t done anything wrong; not even scoring a parking ticket. You know what the next best thing to winning something is? Sleeping!
Off I go now. Toodles.