Why is it when you hit a certain age you’re expected to stop crashing on people’s floors? I prefer friends’ houses to hotels. They are warmer, cozier, and more entertaining. I haven’t seen your enchanting face in ages except on Facebook. I know guest etiquette; don’t you want to see me in person?

Of course, it’s usually cheaper to stay with friends and I am a frugal sort but that’s not the point. If I’m not staying with you, you might not see me. That would be terrible. Maybe that’s what you’d prefer.  Wait, seriously? What kind of friend or sister are you??

In the summer, it’s relatively easy to make other arrangements when friends are unaccommodating. You can sleep in your car if you have to. But the gray, chill days of winter make it too damn cold for car camping and let’s be real here, winter camping is not all it’s cracked up to be. However, when the most expensive part of any road trip is that heated roof over your head you can’t blame a person for looking up old friends for a place to crash.

Ironically, “you’re welcome to stay here,” is one of those phrases thrown out by anyone and everyone much the same way a passerby utters, “How are you?” or “Guzentite.” Ninety percent of the time, they don’t really mean it.

I got called to Los Angeles last minute over a holiday weekend and my so-called friends and relatives scattered like roaches. There was not a vacant room or couch to be found. I had to suck it up and stay at a crappy motel…. for nearly $200 a night! Turns out, “You’re welcome to stay here,” really meant “we want to sound gracious but please don’t ever ask.”

WTF? Was I an awful guest? I felt like exhibited best guest etiquette  – cleaned up after myself, took my hosts to dinner, brought a welcome gift, stripped the bed- but maybe I was missing something.

I took to the street and asked the masses if they could offer any advice to their future guests what would it be? Some flat out said, “Stay at a hotel.” Real helpful, Guys. Still, their responses demonstrated that I need not take empty invites personally. Most “grown-ups” just don’t want you staying in their neat and well-ordered home. Since my home is far from well-ordered I guess I love having friends visit. 

More productively, here’s some guest etiquette compiled from gracious homeowners on how to be the best guest possible.

Ask For House Rules Up Front-

When your friend says (and means) that they would love to have you, not only thank them but ask for their expectations so there’s no weirdness once you arrive. This allows your host to lay down some boundaries of what you can do and when. They can make their expectations clear and you can choose if that works for you before you ever cross the threshold. Shoes off when you enter? Quiet after 9 p.m.? No surprise guests? No drinking? Is it ok to walk around in your pjs? Understand and honor those expectations.

Your Vacation Isn’t Theirs-

Many hosts hate the expectation that they have to drop everything and show you a good time. Guests assume since they’re on vacation their friends can take unlimited time off, so make sure you let your host know you’re psyched just to have a place to sleep and you can entertain yourself.

Be Tidy-

You’re not staying in a hotel where the maids enter every day to fold towels and vacuum. Put on a neatfreak hat during your stay even if you are the ultimate slob. Keep your “stuff” contained in its duffel, fold your own towels and make your bed. If you cook or use the dishes, clean them and put them away. Your goal is to make the place look like you aren’t there.  “A good guest will ask if you need anything or if they can help in any way,” said Park City, Utah, host Deb Dekoff. “We allow them to help out. It makes for a nice stay for everyone.”

In addition, help with cleaning up after meals, strip the beds when you leave and bring your own towel.

Meals-

Buy and eat your own food and while you’re at it cook or treat your hosts to at least one dinner if you can. Your friends aren’t expecting anything lavish. They know you’re staying with them to save money and dining out – especially in a resort town – could cost you as much as a hotel night. Buy the groceries, make dinner for all and do all the cleanup. That’s just as good if not better than a night on the town on you.

Figure Out Your Own Transportation-

Budget for a rental car or Uber if you’re not near public transportation. Ask for the best place to park if you have your own car and respect the answer. Do not park on the driveway means don’t park on the driveway.

Bring a Token of Appreciation-

Does your friend have a thing for whiskey? Coffee? Chocolate? Surprise them with a welcome gift or send them a thank you treat after your visit. “I had one guest get me an orchid-of-the-month for three months. I loved it as I don’t have plants,” said Tammy Manassa. “Repeat guests don’t buy me gifts but take us to dinners but I don’t expect it so it’s fine with me if they don’t buy anything. It’s not about this. It’s about sharing our home with people we care and want to be with.” Still, a little gift, maybe some “real beer” if you’re coming to Utah, goes a long way when trying to keep the door open for future visits.

Animals-

Leave yours at home unless the host begs to see your four-legged baby. But do treat the hosts’ pets like they are royalty. Offer to petsit or take them on walks. “Be kind to my animals and you’re always welcome back,” said one local. If you are allowed to have your dog, make sure you pick up poop, offer to clean carpets if there’s an accident (which you better hope doesn’t happen) and replace items that may get chewed.

Kids-

Your friends are not your babysitters. If you want a night out without those chillens, hire a sitter. Even better, if your friends have kids, you be the sitter and give them a night out.

Be Entertaining-

Visiting friends should be a lively time of bonding. Don’t hide in your room and avoid those moments whether they involve cocktails and boardgames or watching a movie.

Don’t Outstay Your Welcome

Let your hosts know exactly how many days you intend to stay. No matter how awkward it might be to ask for a place for a week, it’s even worse if you say, “I just need something for a couple of nights” and you’re still there on night three. Your hosts have things to do, places to be and possible other guests to host. They need to make plans and not worry the whole time about when you are leaving. Get out of their hair when you say you will. Don’t ask for extra days once you’re there. If they offer, great but most hosts don’t want to be rude so they will say ok if you ask. You just won’t be welcome again.

If you find yourself in my position where you think you are an amazing guest and your friends just don’t see it, there is an alternative. Couchsurfing.com is a network of vagabonds and boondockers who are looking to pay it forward. They spent years roaming the globe and crashing on couches and they want to repay the favors. It’s free and it beats AirBnB if you don’t mind living with strangers for a beat. Just remember to mind your Ps and Qs. If all goes well you will have new friends to host you the next time around. And if it doesn’t you will know why as the hosts are allowed to review their guests.

And most importantly….

Repay The Favor

If some generous homeowner has hosted you- once, twice, three times, whatever- don’t be surprised when the tables are turned and they decide to come for a visit themselves. Be ready with fresh sheets and open arms. A zillion excuses like “this is not a good time,” “the catsitter has the place that weekend”, “if only you had given me more notice” tagged with “you can find another place to stay, right?” will only get you crickets the next time you ask for bed space. 

Creative Thank You Gift Ideas

The best gifts are the thoughtful ones that show you “get” your hosts. A friend let me stay at her house while she was out of town but there wasn’t a single guest pillow in the place. I bought two and left them for her. Another time I noticed all of my friends’ coffee mugs were chipped and mismatched. I set them a nice set of four mugs when I got home.

Coffee-

If you’re a coffee drinker not only should you bring your own but bring an extra bag of your local java to gift. Here, there’s Park City Coffee Roaster but if you are anywhere near Hood River, Ore., or Jackson Hole, Wyo., you better bring a bag of Stoked Roasters or JH Coffee Roasters. Both delicious packs of perk.

Alcohol-

There are so many brands and labels that your hosts will get a kick out of. Help them discover your local favorite like High West Distillery’s Rendezvous Rye or Gramercy Cellars Syrah. Nothing says, “Thanks,” better than a bottle of wine or whiskey. Or a six-pack or two of craft brew like Durango’s Modus Hoperandi IPA. Just make sure your hosts imbibe.

Slippers-

One gift people love but seldom buy for themselves are house slippers. Acorn makes some of the best; you will earn accolades when presenting the fun, cozy, classic slouch boot. It’s the perfect winter gesture when you’re sitting around the fire toasting to good times. BTW, you don’t have to be right on the money with sizes but try to find out beforehand rather than guessing.

Photo by Ryan Freitas

There’s a stout little place called Ross Park in Idaho you climbers should know about. Sure, when people mention Pocatello it often conjures thoughts of some poh-dunk, hick town where residents eat potatoes, chew tobacco, ridicule non-white people and carry shotguns in their trucks. Well, Pa, it just ain’t true; except for the gun part. But this is the West.

Within Southeastern Idaho’s largest city is a top-rated university (ISU). A booming high-tech industry, hot springs, several clean, pet-friendly hotels and the West’s largest outdoor climbing gym, er, park have sprouted around it.

History of Ross Park

Ross Park, appropriately named after a pioneering mayor of Pocatello who later became Governor of Idaho, is the focal point of the city’s entire 34 Parks and Rec system.  Ancient lava ledges of multi-faceted basalt separate the upper and lower green parks (Shady Side and Sunny Side) and make for ideal sport climbs. 

The walls offer what is arguably the best outdoor bouldering and top roping within 50 paces of any city street. Drive up and park right in front of the crag. Walk across a sidewalk-sized patch of grass and meet the Shady Side- over 60 boulder problems of every degree of difficulty. A quick walk up a grassy knoll on the East end puts you right on top of that wall. Drop a rope from any one of 30 anchors for your toprope pleasure. The “Sunny Side” of Ross offers 60+ relatively-short (40’) traditional gear and bolted sport leads, but you can walk or drive up to the top of Sunny Side and throw down a toprope if you prefer.

Idaho State University Loves Climbing

 The ISU Outdoor program began bolting the Sunny Side climbs in the late 90s. They started with the more difficult routes first; working their way towards bolting the easier ones over the following seasons so you can find  lead routes for all levels. 

Photo by Ryan Freitas

 

ISU has practically taken ownership of Ross Park. They run climbing programs, offer free downloads of the most comprehensive climbing and bouldering guides to the area written by their instructors and host one of the oldest and most entertaining climbing competitions in the Northwest, The Pocatello Pump.

When you tire of climbing, hang out with the native animals of Idaho at the Pocatello Zoo, located inside Ross Park. The park also features the Bannock County Historical Museum, the Fort Hall Replica detailing life as it was during the early pioneer days. Want more climbing? Drive less than an hour north to Massacre Rocks State Park. You’ll find another 500+ climbs.

Ross Park Specifics

Pocatello is 150 miles north of Salt Lake City, Utah, at the intersection of Highways I-15 and I-86. The climate stays sunny and dry almost year-round. Ross Park is at the south end of Pocatello at I-15 & 5th Ave (Exit 67). Go N on 5th. Turn L on Fredregill. Turn L on 2^nd, continuing to the rocks on L. Contact the Pocatello Convention and Visitors Bureau, 208.233.7333. The Pocatello Pump occurs in September-208.236.3912. 

The trunk looked like an advertisement out of Backpacker Magazine- Kelty pack, Kuhl shorts, Hi-Tec hikers, Mountain Hardwear sleeping bag, TheNorthface tent, Black Diamond climbing gear, Ruffwear dog bowls, etc. The theory was that with the right gear I could survive and conquer even what turned out to be my ultimate tolerance test. Elephant’s Perch, aka The Road Trip From Hell.

The beautiful thing about Park City is that it’s less than a day’s drive to just about anywhere. Aspen? Six hours. Vegas? Six hours. Denver? Eight hours. Jackson Hole? Four hours. I’ve driven to San Diego, Calif. (12 hours), Hood River, Ore. (12 hours); even Cloudcroft, NM (18 hours). It’s a no-brainer to hit the open road. Throw your closet in the rear, load the dog and fill the tank. You really could do it alone. Problem is, I’d rather have company.

So the issue becomes, do you say, “Eff it; I’m out,” or post on social media that you’re offering a ride?

Finding A Climbing Partner For Elephant’s Perch

A trip that involves serious hours of drive time -and hang time -with unfamiliar company might create a new best friend or crush you into wishing you had stayed home to pay bills and do laundry.

The excursion began as an idea to climb Elephant’s Perch (aka Saddleback Peak) in the Sawtooth National Forest, Idaho. To digress, a now-defunct love fling introduced the plan. The Boy, a Sun Valley resident, convinced me that the easy six-hour drive would make the perfect romantic rendezvous for us. However, after discovering his status as a convicted felon, the thought of being alone in the wilderness with Brian created too much anxiety and I called the trip- with him- off.

But I was all dressed up with no place to go. Not to be outdone by the gun-toting bank robber, I decided, “To hell with him!” and found another able-bodied rock climber- with three days off work- to take his place. The plan was to hike to Saddleback Lakes in the Sawtooths and climb the 5.9 Mountaineer’s Route at Elephant’s Perch. That was the plan anyway.

The Sawtooth Range is home to some stellar sport and big wall climbing. There are nearly 20 trad routes ranging from 5.9-5.13 but no one was with earshot or sight on this particular trek. Mountaineer’s is mostly 5.5 and lower, with occasional sections up to 5.9. leader. It seemed doable.

Having graduated law school, I’m often asked what kind of law I’d practice if I weren’t a writer. I reply, “Murphy’s.” The weekend in Idaho grew to be a prime example of my specialty.

Climbing with Strangers is a Bad Idea

As my new buddy and I pulled onto I-80 a distinctly pungent odor assaulted my nostrils and I realized my passenger must have been so excited about the trip he forgot to wash. “Oh dear God!” I thought. “If it smells this bad now, what would happen in three days after strenuous hiking and climbing?” But how could I tell him about hygiene without hurting his feelings and ruining the weekend? Luckily (and unfortunately), I felt an oncoming cold, with its requisite stuffed nose, to save the day.

Before we got to the mountains, an Idaho state trooper pulled me over for speeding. (“87 in a 65?” not true, Officer!)  I let Joe drive the rest of the way because, as he boasted, “I never drive over the speed limit.” The bank robber probably couldn’t say the same.

Getting To Elephant’s Perch

To get to Elephant’s Perch we had to drive to Redfish Lake Lodge, one-hour north of Sun Valley, fork over $$ to ride a ferry across the Lake, hike three miles of mellow trail to the climb’s approach, and then a one-mile scramble straight UP to the base of the route.

I twisted my ankle, a mosquito bit my eyelid, my cold constricted every muscle in my body and Joe was upwind. I tried to whine only at the appropriate intervals.

The route Joe chose consisted of five moderate pitches (stages to get to the top) of crack climbing. I was still a novice climber and had never done more than three single sport routes in one day. I figured I could handle the challenge (please note the sarcasm). Besides, Joe hadn’t come all this way to turn around without “doing the Perch.”

Cold, tired, sore and sneezing, I looked up at this 1000-foot mammoth wall and a voice in my head whispered, “Let’s not and say we did.”

After zigzagging from crack to crack looking for the way up, Joe shouted down to me from 40 feet. I slowly made my way up to him to tell him I wasn’t going to climb. At this pace, there was no way to reach the peak before nightfall. And I was downwind from Joe again. It’s hard to climb when you refuse to breathe. We aborted the mission and barely reached the dock to catch the return ferry.

To Hell and Back

We drove home in silence, weary and defeated. I was annoyed that Joe wasn’t the great route finder he portended to be nor was he accustomed to soap and deodorant. My cold faded as Joe began to sneeze.

Like the red gas idiot light that blinks to remind you to fill the tank, the spoiled onions aroma tickled my nose to remind me of why I shouldn’t invite strangers on a roadtrip. I missed my cold. I was bummed the weekend didn’t go as planned. But sh+t happens. Yet another lesson that can’t be learned in law school.