I’ve got a bunch of articles on my to-do list. Do I attack with fervor? Nope. My eyes are blurry from the day’s strain and Sage’s little kid voice- once cute- is now like fingernails on a chalkboard and she refuses to play anywhere but next to me. Why must her mouth move with the second hand? Just a moment’s silence. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is when we’re dealing with a 3 year old. Ryan on the other hand is gleefully silent …watching his beloved Celtics take to the court. Half my battle but why oh why isn’t she downstairs with him? We’ve been cruising together all day. I even took her to my callback today.
Life really isn’t that rough if that’s all I have to complain about. Health is good, eyes are healing (albeit slowly), Sage is as rambunctious as ever without the five-alarm tantrums that could shake the pope’s panties off, and I get a WHOLE weekend away to take in the Telluride Bluegrass Festival, VIP style. In so many ways, I’m due this trip.
My first summer outing (the two trips to Fruita in May don’t count- it wasn’t summer yet.;) ), I’m flying solo, I just had eye surgery, Sage has been strapped to my hip for two weeks because preschool’s out, I spent three full days upgrading and reloading Windows 7 and programs, et al (anyone who has done their own debugging knows the stress), and I need the inspiration that only an outdoor fest weekend can bring. New friends, new sounds, gourmet food and 8 hours of silent nights.
Sage keeps having ‘nightmares’. Last night was the first since San Diego where she didn’t come screaming down the hall in hysterics, wanting to crawl into bed with us. For the past week, we’ve marched her back to bed in the obscene hours of the morning. She’d go back to sleep only to wake me up at 7 am wanting to ‘cuddle’. Aww, how could I refuse? But 7 is unacceptable. I sleep till 9. Today, I slept till 9! Our ‘chats’ about not coming into Momma’s room until you hear her alarm may have finally registered. Ya think? I don’t want to jinx it but it’s entirely possible that she realizes she needs her sleep as well. That or she wants the rice krispie treat I’ve promised if she doesn’t wake me.
Gone are the days when I slept solidly and honestly believed I was a sound sleeper. Ryan’s on a lame-ass stock exchange schedule that has him setting his alarm once at 5 and again at 5:30. I sleep in another room sometimes just so I don’t have a series of naps instead of a good night’s rest. I really wish he’d get a 9-5er like normal people. It does me no good to have him home by 4 as he winds up on the couch sound asleep for two hours anyway. At least if he worked bankers’ hours instead of traders’ hours, I could have my beauty rest.
And now for the detes you’re so dying to hear about. The CT Scan raised a scare but turned out to be nothing… for now. We didn’t move up the MRI but I did have an ultrasound to see if there was something that needed to be biopsied. The radiologist said she sees nothing then confided that CTs aren’t the method of diagnosis for breast cancer. Hence, the MRI order. My doc confirmed that everyone was being just a tad trigger happy and my routine checkup should remain routine. It’s like I’m living a new life this month. I get to go weeks without being handled like Mama Luigi’s ground beef!
The next checkup is in July and hopefully that little ‘spot’ turns out to be scar tissue. The thing that does scare me is that the radiologist said if there’s going to be a recurrence it usually happens near the original tumor. But like Scarlett O’Hara, I’ll worry about that tomorrow.
Today, I focus on acting. Some encouraging words and signs in the past two weeks have lit a tiny fire under my ass. I shot a crazy short film with a completely adlibbed script for no pay but a ton of fun. My IHC commercial started airing (even Sage recognized me on TV). I had an audition for a short film and a feature where both directors complimented me and inquired about my experience, and I got a callback for an indie feature. The acting scene in Utah has most certainly picked up.
It’s mostly low budge stuff that’s calling out to our local talent but it’s work and there are auditions every week. Indie films, short films, student films, local commercials. I just about cried though when I heard Catrine got her mitts into a film I auditioned for last week. The director seemed to adore me- and two guys listening outside passed me their cards and said they were working on some projects that I might be ‘right’ for! I went home beaming. But then Catrine gets wind of the project and talks them into having another audition to showcase some select talent. UGH. I’m all for a production doing everything they can to have the best shot at success but that doesn’t mean I like having the wind taken out of my sails by introducing the competition. Who knows? They may still think I’m the sh*t. It’s a tough role but one I would love an opportunity to play. Pretty much Sharon Stone in Casino without the drug/alcohol abuse. Hell, yeah, I can do that.
The call back today was a no-brainer. ER Nurse. I was born to play strong female roles. Cops, lawyers, doctors, reporters. Done ’em. It wasn’t until I had Sage that I could even see myself reading for the part of the mom. Today, did not go as smoothly as hoped.
I walked into the room to find a very good looking guy staring at me. I did a double take. Not because I was nervous about the audition but for a second I forgot where I was! Obviously John was looking at me as an actor coming in to read for the part but for a moment it was like I was meeting someone from Match. He was all smiles and staring! I was actually confused. I looked at Tye shutting the door behind me and back to the table where John sat. Jeff (the casting director) lurked in the side shadows. Maybe the eye surgery went to my brain. Then he started to speak- to ask me questions about myself (as he skimmed my resume). We’re chatting about mountain biking v. road cycling and then there was Tye signaling me to slate to camera. Huh? What? 0 to 60 in 10. And so I was on. Not a lot (or any) time to get in the zone. I can only hope that it was better than I thought. I let Tye rush me. Shame on me. I know better than that. And shame on Tye for not trying to help me shine. The upside is that he did the exact same thing on my first audition and I walked not expecting a callback. I want this part! It sounds like a great film. If you’re at all curious, go to http://pelotonthemovie.com/.
It’s crazy late and Sage just woke up crying in her room next door. I ignore her. Sigh. She’s so sweet and it’s all about being alone in the dark. You can’t blame the kid for wanting a warm heart next to her. I get Ryan don’t I? But at the same time, the late night terrors need to stop- for everyone’s sake. OK. She’s fallen back asleep on her own so I can now sneak off to bed without her hearing me. Toodles.

So get this, I did a mammogram in January as part of my follow up. The scan showed a tiny patch near where I had my surgery. Doc said it was probably scar tissue. But then a couple of weeks later I was having a weird feeling in my chest like when I used to live in LA and there were smog alerts and your chest hurt when you breathed. So the oncology doc ordered a CT scan. Everything looked good in the area I felt the pain, my labs were 100 percent but the little ‘patch’ previously seen on the mammogram raised more flags and now they want to move up my MRI (which was scheduled in July as part of my protocol)!
I have sent an email to my doctor three times asking if she saw something on the MRI and should I be worried. Why do we need to move up the date? No response. Called today and her nurse called me back. I asked again and the nurse read the notes on the CT- small grouping of asymmetrical cells. I told her to skip the MRI and get me a needle biopsy. I don’t want the MRI to put me in some kind of wait and watch holding pattern for months or years or worse be told I need a biopsy. Test the fuckers and tell me what they are; now. Besides, I’d rather get an ultrasound and a prick than lay horizontal for 45 minutes with an IV stuck in me. Not to mention the extra radiation. I don’t get it. The chemo and radiation were supposed to knock out the bad cells (and the good). How could they have assimilated so quickly? It hasn’t even been 6 months. Of course it could be nothing or scar tissue like my doctor originally thought. Either way, I’ll know next week. ARRRGGGGHHH.

So I’m thinking I must have been living in some fantasy bubble that’s finally popped. I don’t have a dream child. I have the child from hell. My dad announced today from the front passenger seat as Sage was engaged in a full-blown, mind-bending tantrum, “I’m not going anywhere with that thing!” And, so, no trip to Orlando this summer. I’ve always known that Sage has an eye-popping set of lungs but the outbursts ended as quickly as they erupted when she was a babe. Now, at 3.5, those throw downs sound out as often as the word NO and last for an hour. In fact, it’s usually ‘no’ that instigates it. I’ve followed all the rulebooks- ignore the screams and tears, take away cherished items, never give in, time outs; nothing curbs the horror. Today, this morning, it was wanting to watch Dora. Because Dora wouldn’t come on for another three minutes and she couldn’t wait, she got worked up. I shut off the TV and told her she wouldn’t watch anything then. Hoo boy. Screaming louder than a tea kettle and crying so hard she had trouble breathing, I dropped her in the bedroom, told her she could come out when she calmed down, and took a shower. I dried off to her thumping on her door and my mother trying to tell her to stop. I took over and she stopped pounding but she kept crying. “You can come out when you’re done crying,” I told her. Eventually, she came out. That works when you are at home with no immediate plans but what about the car?
Heading home from Fruita last weekend, she lost it. Because we told her to let her food digest after she said she was hungry and she had already eaten a cheeseburger and a quesadilla (road food). She thrashed about in her carseat. We took things away from her. Her sippy cup, her stuffed bunny, her shoes, her jacket! She could get items back when she calmed down. Nope. We threatened to not take her on another roadtrip, we pulled over for a brief moment (but really needed to get home), we ignored her and talked amongst ourselves. No end. Then it was her pants, her shirt and voile she was sitting in panties and crying her head off about being cold with no sign of letting up to get her clothes back. We didn’t know what else to take from her! After an hour of torture (on us), she literally passed out. All I had to do was insist on her shutting her eyes. In five minutes, she was sound asleep. Poor thing was exhausted. Three and tired, with a pending cold. Of course! But then my dad has to go and say, “No excuses. Stop making excuses for her.” Stella saw Sage in action when we visited in January and Sage refused to take off her daughter Alyssa’s princess costume so we could leave for the airport. I saw concern, shock, sympathy, disgust in Stella’s eyes as I shut Sage into a side room for yet another timeout while she tried to blow out her vocal cords. Again, she was exhausted from five days of convention walking at the SIA show. I’m thinking of my dad’s words. No excuses. Just because she’s wasted does not make it ok to sound like a five-alarm fire and you’re being attacked by pitbulls all at once.
After today, I can no longer live in denial. I’m calling an intervention on myself. We need help. Even Ryan agrees now. It’s happening at least once a day. At home, we can shut her in her room until she chills. We aren’t embarrassed because the displays aren’t public. Here, in San Diego, very public. We had a perfect 2+ hours in the movie theater watching Ironman 2; she comes trotting out all gleefully talking about how she wants an Ironman costume for Halloween. In the bathroom, she softly says she doesn’t have to go potty. In the parking lot she shouts about how she has to have chocolate ice cream. It wasn’t a scream. An adamant demand. I told her not to shout or she won’t get any ice cream at all. “But, Momma! I had chocolate ice cream with Noah and Isaac!!!” She shouts. There was absolutely NO cause to raise her voice. But she was in the moment I guess. I told her well, that’s it, no ice cream. And so it began. The entire drive home was a nightmare. I felt the way I did when I wanted everyone to see how awesome Tenaya was but instead she barked at them and they called her Cujo. My heart sank. But to tame the beast and turn her into one of the most loved dogs in the neighborhood, I used a shock collar. Don’t think there’s a legal one for children. DAMMIT!!! Sage was once again wiped out from a weekend without naps and 8-hour (rather than 12-hour) nights. No excuses. She kicked, screamed, cried, SPIT all the way back to my parent’s house. We all pretended she wasn’t there. No luck. My dad put down his window and told her he would roll it up when she stopped. Nope. Just made her scream about being cold and her hair getting in her mouth. She tried to undo her seatbelt. I grabbed her wrists. She spit on my arm and screamed. I swear the drivers next to us must have thought we were kidnappers. She peed on herself, then cried about it. We got home, got out of the car and my parents hugged me and said they were sorry I had to go through this. Then they ran. I carried Sage to the bathroom, changed her clothes, put her in the bedroom to calm down- which she didn’t do for another 30 minutes. No ice cream, no swim, no bath; there went all the things she wanted to do today. I wish I had recorded the fit. You can’t begin to imagine.
Once she calmed down, I sat her down and explained that we don’t act like this; that others do not want to hear her scream and cry and that she’s not going to get what she wants with ths bhaviour. Yeah yeah, you’re thinking well she’s getting my attention. But she gets that plenty without the screams and how do you explain the car ride?
She’s sound asleep now. Been that way since 7 p.m. Poor thing’s exhausted. No excuses! I’m picking up the book Love and Logic tomorrow. If that doesn’t help, I’m sending a tape to Super Nanny. This has got to stop. Her preschool teachers have no idea what I’m talking about. Apparently, Sage is a little angel for them. Ryan says it’s because no one tells her ‘no’ at preschool. I can’t believe that. Plus, I don’t really say the word ‘no’. Most of the time, what she wants is reasonable or I offer a substitute I know should make her happy. The “no” comes after the tantrum starts. Like with the Dora thing today. I told her she could watch Dora… when it was on in 3 minutes. I never told her she couldn’t. She threw her fit; I turned off the TV. I said she could have ice cream. I didn’t have a problem with that. She yelled, I said no ice cream if not quiet, more yelling then crying.
I want to go to Orlando. And I want my parents to see how great Sage really is. I want to be able to say no to Sage and not worry that I’m starting WWIII. Any advice? Bring it.

It’s drawing to a close. Birthday week. Like my mother, I shy away from birthdays. LOOOVE the presents and the cards but hate that the day really signifies a marking of another year down the tubes, another year older. I did a good job this week of ignoring the whole thing. Aside from bowling with Sage and Ryan on Wednesday, it was fairly low key. I skied a sick powder day last Friday, rode my mtn bike for the first time all season, procrastinated on a story deadline, said goodbye to Bonnie as she packed up for a Tahoe summer and, oh yeah, ran into Kristen. First time all season. Truth be told I rarely thought of her or missed her so it gave me a little pause and jump when Louie noticed her in the tram line. I turned my back immediately.
The beeatch ( 😉 ) showed what kind of friend she was last July so there was really no need to pretend she was worth a look. It basically came down to a phone relationship where- for the most part-we chatted, or better, I listened to her hyperbolize about everything in her life and occasionally she would listen to my stories- especially if they involved gossip on someone we knew.
When we hung up I often felt vulnerable and rejected because the conversations were 9/10 about her, then she “had to go.” That gets super old, super fast. In her head, her life is so much grander than everyone else’s. Who wouldn’t want to sit and listen to her? A mutual friend once coined the phrase “Enough about you, let’s talk about me” to describe Kristen. Those who don’t know her well tend to hang on her every word thinking, “WOw, she is so cool, wish I could be like that.” But I privately rolled my eyes and thought, “here we go again.” Everything is ‘the best’, ‘the worst’, ‘the scariest’, ‘the most tragic.’ Normal things happen to her but she makes such a big deal out of them and is such a fantasticly descriptive storyteller that people raise her like an idol. Phooey. She’s married to a parttime engineer from a small Montana town who spends his free time in ‘man class’ to learn to be in touch with his feelings, she has a chronically sick cat, she owns a couple of rentals and teaches a ski clinic. Not really glamourous when you lay it out like that, is it? After a while the magic wears off and you’re left with a self-absorbed princess with a fairly ordinary life who tries soooo hard to do extreme things so she’s not ‘ordinary’. Don’t get me wrong. This is some of the pot calling the kettle black but I own my shit. She truly believes she’s a compassionate human being.
So, back to running into her. I didn’t actually. Not once did I look her way. Instead I chatted with KJ who kept trying to get me to talk about her and what went down. I just didn’t want to get into it. I think KJ liked hearing me bitch about Kristen. She must have dissed him at some point. He also hears Lou boast about her – like he’s cool by association- and gets that vibe that Kristen isn’t all that.
She told Lou she was going to say hi to me (I learned later). At the top of the tram, I was about to take off toward Little Cloud when she skated in front of me- “Is that Jill?” she coyly exclaimed and looked me goggle to goggle with a curious head tilt. I gave her a quick “WhatEver” head jerk then skied away. I didn’t even hesitate. I’ll be damned if I give her anything -even a hello. She couldn’t see a way past herself to be a better friend when her friend is diagnosed with cancer, why should she think I’d want anything to do with her now? WE never saw her again.
I can only fantasize that she skied home crying. Tee hee. But I’m not bitter. She’s just not the person I hoped she’d become and I’m not the person who has time anymore to be someone’s fan just so I can say we’re best buds.
Lou told me for Karma’s sake that I should at least say hi. Karma is what she’s getting. Nice test. Like the chick who runs into her ex-boyfriend and feels nothing, it’s good to know I’m fine.
At the time of my diagnosis, she was getting ready for her wedding so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Yes, marriage can be all-consuming and hard to consider anything or anyone else. You would think cancer is like that too. But I rallied. I wasn’t going to miss her wedding even with surgery the week before and a head filled with dread and drama. I was going to be there for her and stand up at her wedding. And they didn’t even have food (seriously, I packed my own Tater Tots) or a sweet wedding cake!
But after the wedding, she still didn’t have it in her to step up and be there for me. Yes, you can still hear the bitterness in my voice. But it’s not because of some simple ego punch. The whole thing will probably always bother me because she put it back on me. Like I made up her obnoxious behavior so I could have someone or something to be angry at. I hate when people do that. You question your sanity when they deny. I dated a guy once who invited me to a party, said he would call me with a time to meet, never called and then acted surprised when I was angry with him for blowing me off. He said I told him that I would call and not the other way around. I actually wondered if I had but then he twisted other things up constantly that I knew he was full of shit and I wasn’t crazy.
I know what I know.
I know that it’s been nearly a year since the diagnosis and treatment and NOT ONCE did she reach out- after 14 years of friendship. I know that NOT ONCE did she admit that her behaviour was out of line or at least in poor judgement. Even if she did, it wouldn’t change things. They would be words. Her actions have always shown a lack of authentic compassion.
Ok, I’ve documented the moment. It’s out there and I had that experience I wondered about and played out in my head. How would I react if I ran into Kristen? My response was brief and awkward but it got the job done. It said you’re no one to me, now get out of my way! 🙂