Kristen Gets Hitched


My friend and favorite bachelorette finally threw down and got married. After 3 (?) engagements, she strutted her stuff to her man and said, “I do.” Oh, the wedding was an odd one. Determined not to do it by the book (she never has in the past; why start now?), it began with Kristen sitting in the bathroom as the makeup ‘artist’ painted red flowers on the side of her eye. Her voice trembled, “I can’t believe this is all for me!” You’re kidding, right? The funny thing was Kristen in that moment actually believed that she was never treated like a princess before. If it were anyone else, I might have been laughing. Kristen’s WHOLE life is all about her and she has had soooo many experiences of people taking their bows at her feet. It would have been the phoniest comment but Kristen is the ultimate actress- she believes her sh*t. She can be anyone else she wants whenever she wants and today she was the proverbial bride – in black, red and patent leather.

The setting was gorgeous. Someone’s private home in Park City overlooking the surrounding resorts. The Brazilian drums beat and the groom, then bride, shimmied through the crowd dressed in freakish Halloween-meets-red light-district attire. Their friend Melissa read “The Naked Poem” like we were at a poetry slam, the Rabbi went on and on about something that really made no sense – even referenced Jesus!- then called the high priestess, angel, high queen…ME to start the series of blessings. I skipped up to the front, joked and got anecdotal, read a short ‘blessing’ which was more of toast for the happy couple of the hour and finished by wishing them lots and lots of sex. Made the crowd laugh. šŸ˜‰ Six others came forward with blessings of varying lengths. After, DJ Steve played from what they called the Jellyfish, poledancers did the garter dance, and, later, people gathered round for the firedancers and hula hoopers. The cops showed up around 1 a.m. and sent the burners (Burning Man fans) off to Summerween and the rest of us home.
My only complaint was the food. It was like I was at a Mormon wedding (even though they’re not Mormon). Nuts, cheese, crackers, fruit and wilting shrimp
cocktail; tiny (homemade) cupcakes for dessert. I brought a bag of Tater Tots and passed them around pre-ceremony and became everyone’s best friend. I actually met one man who had never had a Tot! He ate three. I devirginized him. šŸ™‚ To be honest, we were warned there would be no food but that’s my favorite part of a wedding. I’d much rather eat than drink. I guess you can’t blame Kristen. With somewhere between 100-200 people attending, it saves a whole lot of money serving nuts instead of chicken.
The whiskey ran out within an hour, but there was plenty of beer, wine and vodka with fruit juice or Red Bull. On my empty stomach, I got hammered and wound up being one of the last to leave. All in all it was a fun party but surreal as a wedding.


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