I need to win something. I always feel better when I win something. For some reason, all day today I’ve been grumpy; feeling like I’m a failure- ok, well that’s too harsh. Just feeling unsatisfied and like I’ve messed up big time. You know how you would feel if you got a C and were hiding it from your parents? Or you found out that the super cute guy who acted like he liked you really doesn’t even know your name? Sage is fine, my health is fine, I skied powder today and had great afternoon sex when I got back.
PMS! Trouble is, I haven’t had my period in months thanks to the chemo and Tamoxifen. My doc says it’ll come back but maybe not until I’m done with the drugs…IN FIVE YEARS. My body must be faking me out. Talk about lame. All of the symptoms without the relief. So I need to win something. It helps me feel fortunate, excited, alive. I’ve won all expense paid trips (the most memorable was a trip for two including airfare to Vail and the Teva Mountain Games. My trip to Boston for the Dating Game doesn’t count cause the guy was icky), gear (backpacks, sleeping bags, sweaters, shoes, skis), a kayak, a car rack system, lift tickets, hotel stays. I’ve even won writing awards. Ryan jokes that I’m the luckiest person he knows. Sigh. So why can’t I feel lucky? It’s got to be hormones because – aside from completely missing my massage appointment today- I haven’t done anything wrong; not even scoring a parking ticket. You know what the next best thing to winning something is? Sleeping!
Off I go now. Toodles.

I think I may have just experienced the lamest non-accidental thing of the year. Imagine you won a super cool item in a raffle; a prize you had no idea you could win but also something you really wanted. You got to keep it for 30 minutes, then they take it back. That’s exactly what happened to Sage and me today. Some Denver organization set up a booth at SIA to welcome newcomers to the city and offer a hub where we could find out about the SIA parties and about the various manufacturers gifting swag on the show floor. They had also set up a white elephant swag exchange- you bring something you collected at the show and pick a box from their pile. Some of the boxes contained the regifted swag- a keychain, a hat, a T-shirt; others, have real prizes like an messenger bag. We traded in a ballpoint pen from PolarMax and I opened a box with a wood percussion instrument in it. I was fine with that and was ready to leave but Sage was about to throw a tantrum- she didn’t want it for some reason and was refusing to leave or calm down unless you got to try again- so they let her turn it in for a shot at a box of her own. There were no age rules and plenty of people came by together with each getting a shot at something.
She picked a box with a block in it. At first I thought this was a booby prize. But I turned it over and it said “iPod Touch”. OMG I couldn’t believe how cool this was. They made we wait so they could grab it from a cabinet then took a picture of me holding it. I thought it was because they wanted to post me as some kind of winner. Only then was I informed that they were going to post my photo on the web and tell people to find me and ‘steal’ the iPod. Talk about your crappy ideas of fun. Seriously? I would have to spend the rest of my day looking for stalkers over a prize that might not be mine? You could go back to your hotel and hide, the dude offered. I had meetings to attend, work to do and a three-year-old in tow! I should have handed the iPod right back to him and said no thanks. But then when he told me the other winners were never ‘found’; I thought who was going to spend an hour chasing me down – killing my afternoon and theirs? Some skinny ass kid with no life; that’s who. I was an easy target. I had a rambunctious preschooler and a giant stroller with me. No way to ditch those.
This stick figure comes up to me asking if I’m the “iPod lady” at about 5:40 p.m. I put on my best acting face, look confused and say, “uh, what?” My interview at Klymet tells him we’re in a meeting and he leaves. He honestly bought it. I think I’m clear. Turns out that at 6 he goes back to the “Underground Concierge” and whines about thinking he found me. So they all go back to where I was (and still am) and take my iPod….at 6:10. Ten minutes after the ‘game’ is supposed to end. See at 6 I thought I was home free. Jokes on me. As they leave, Sage starts crying because someone has taken her prize. I almost cried too. I couldn’t believe that they wouldn’t just say “never mind, keep it” or have a second iPod to give to the guy who found me so that they didn’t have to mess with my day and experience and we could both be winners.
That’s not a white elephant exchange btw. A white elephant is an exchange of a odd gift for another odd gift of equal value. What the company did was modify the rules on a regular gift exchange. You pick something, someone else can take it and you have the option of picking an unwrapped gift from the pile or taking someone else’s. But here, I couldn’t touch any of the already open boxes and take an iPod away from one of the earlier winners. 🙁
The guy running the event told me I could come to the booth and pick out another box. Why? So I could get a keychain and feel even worse? Talk about your insult to injury. Ok, so I’m a bad sport. But, I’m sorry. You don’t act all excited for someone winning a cool gift only to take it away from them (without telling them the plan ahead of time) or make them spend the afternoon stressed about some stupid ‘game’ when they have work to do. I was an idiot to think I was actually going to be able to keep the iPod. That’s the worst part of it. Getting my hopes up. Guess I’ll have to go back to begging Santa for a iTouch.

It’s been long enough and enough people have asked how I’m doing that it’s time to let you all know, I’m pregnant. KIDDING. The big, bigger, news is that my very last chemo is this Friday. That’s it. Six down, no more to go! I’m more than halfway through radiation as well. In fact, if it weren’t for my empty bank account and the rash over my left breast, you’d never know what I’ve been through. I have my hair and aside from having to drive to SLC daily for radiation, life is same ol’ same ol’. Just this month, I’ve finished pieces for MSN.com, SkiResorts.com, Draft Magazine and my usual OnTheSnow resports, I’ve skied opening days at Snowbird, Alta (x2), Park City and Solitude, potty trained Sage (or maybe she just lets us think it was all me), painted my hallways and finally found a renter for one of my spots.
The end date for everything is Dec. 19. Talk about celebrating the New Year. You bet this is going to be one of the best holidays of my life. Hannukah’s coming early to my house. 🙂
Some would point out that I was lucky but, to me, ‘lucky’ is not having canser at all (mispelled on purpose, that little fucker doesn’t deserve to be spelled correctly). Having the ‘the best’ kind of canser? That’s a consolation prize. Lucky that it wasn’t worse, sure; but I seriously doubt that anyone would want to be me unless they also have canser.
Can I say that I “had canser” in 2010 instead of “have canser”? I wonder. I’m afraid to try it; like I’ll jinx things and it’ll come back. The docs assure me that I was ‘canser free’ after the lumpectomy in July and all of this poisoning is just a precaution. But I can’t believe them. Once you get a canser diagnosis, your world changes forever. I didn’t just get a tonsilectomy. I had someone dig through my chest then poisoned my cells every three weeks for nearly five months. Plus, I’ve always walked around with the philosophy of expecting the worst so you can never be disappointed. I thought that way all through college. When I got A’s I was pleasantly surprised, psyched even; never disappointed. This does not mean that I am pessimistic. Not even close. I just choose not to get my hopes up until I have Tweetie in my hand.
So on my five-year canserversary, then I will breathe easy- and buy myself a brand new pair of boobs.
Now, if only it would start to snow, I could focus on something MUCH more important.
So how is everyone else doing?

BTW: I’m not pregnant and have no intention of sharing my love with any others outside of a pup, a boy and my Sage.

Ok, gotta sleep. Leaving tomorrow for Escalante for some canyoneering in Egypt 2. I thought I had a friend coming with me but it looks like I’m flying solo. Beeatch sent me an EMAIL (after I had called several times and sent texts over the past two days) at 4 today saying she was sick, had been since Tuesday and wasn’t feeling well enough to travel. Why don’t I cut her slack? Because 1)I first spoke with her on Tuesday about going and she jumped all over it. Not once did she mention she was coming down with something, 2) I made the plans around her schedule, 3) I spoke with her Thursday and still no mention of illness; 4) she never contacted me between then and today despite my many attempts to reach her; 5) when I *67’d her tonight at 10:30, she answered, sounded just fine and there was a party going on in the background. When she heard my voice, she hung up without saying a word and 6) I immediately texted her about how lame that was and she never responded. Chicken shit.
Funny, she spent about a half an hour bitching about how one of her good friends told her he couldn’t hang out with her 4yo anymore because she was too irritating. He stopped calling, bailed on plans they had, blah blah blah. She was extremely hurt and angry. You would think when something like that happens to you, you don’t turn around and be a total turd to someone else.
God I hate my ‘friends’. Another one bites the dust. Why can’t people just say no in the first place and stop f*&king around with other people’s valuable time and energy? I could have planned this trip for a different time and with different people. You don’t bail on a roadtrip the day before you’re supposed to leave. It’s just completely uncool. I had a cold on Wednesday too but it’s not stopping me from hitting Escalante on Sunday. If you’re truly sick at the time someone calls and invites you somewhere you TELL THEM THAT so that they can plan accordingly. If you don’t want to go, you say that immediately. YOU DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE WHEN THERE’S ZERO TIME LEFT FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO FIND ANOTHER COMPANION. That’s just plain obnoxious and grounds for a baseball bat to the head. Ugh. Ok, I’m going to sleep now. Toodles!!

I’ll make this one a shorty seeing as how it’s five minutes to 2 a.m. and I have to get up at 7 a.m. to do this breast cancer strides walk. Hope talked me into it. I’m not one for getting up this early unless there are killer yard sales or there’re two feet of fresh snow at the resorts. The mountains in Utah aren’t open yet (that’ll come in Nov.) and it’s too cold for garage sales. I think it was guilt that motivates me. After Hope’s piece on Fox13 (see link in my FB posts), I received a few emails calling me an ‘inspiration’. Huh? I’m just doing what I’m told and trying to ignore the fact that I have a life-threatening disease.
I finished round three of chemo a week ago and am just fine thank you! Halfway through treatment now. Was a tad queasy last Saturday but that had more to do with lack of sleep and then doing nothing but sit around the house all day. By Monday, I was climbing and jumping on my Stair Master. The past two days have been spent researching the possiblity of doing radiation concurrent with chemo instead of waiting until chemo was done before starting 6 weeks of radiation (which, btw, would mean really f*^king up Christmas and January).
I figured since I was handling chemo so well, I could take the extra punch. None of the doctors in Utah seem to be up on this little time saver so I’ve had to Google like mad and contact cancer hospitals outside of the state. And here I thought the Huntsman Center was state of the art! After my research it seems that not only is CMF/radiation together viable but it may increase the longterm survival rate by 10 %. Plus, it keeps me from dragging my treatment into the next health insurance calendar year. Any sane person wouldn’t think twice. The side effects? They tell me my boob might not look as nice. Anyone out there can attest or deny this claim?
The stuff I’ve read so far says there’s no difference in looks at the 3 year point. You might be wondering how the twins are holding up at this point. Still small and perky. You can barely tell I had surgery. The scar blends in and there’s no divet from the chunk of tumor they removed. Thank you, Dr. Neumeyer! Ryan can even squeeze them now and there’s no pain or difference in touch between left and right. If it weren’t for my head I could be ‘normal’ again. My head though constantly takes me on walks where I wonder if there will ever be a time in the future that I can say to someone, “I had cancer” instead of “I have cancer”.
It’s a strange thing to feel like this disease will stick with you longer than family. Speaking of which. My sister’s birthday is this week. I sent her a blanket. 🙂